NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

There are a lot of things the guidebooks don't bother telling you about Paris. One of the most glaring omissions relates to housing. If you're planning on living in Paris for more than a month you'll probably consider getting a place of your own. For one you can totally forget about finding somewhere classy cos those places are reserved for the secret Royalty that still controls the country (more on that later). So what's left? Well in my case it took a month of visiting a number of depressing apartments- one place belonged to this sad sack type. He was trying really hard to convince me that this was the place of my dreams, but red flags went up when I had to climb over the toilet to check out the shower, and I just couldn't shake the confusing smell of paprika, depression, and garbage. Actually, most of the places I saw weren't half bad, usually too expensive, or in an awkward part of town (does the 15th arrondissement actually exist? who takes the 7bis line?) the real problem is the tenants. Owning an apartment in Paris gives people a superiority complex. Chances are you'll show up at a place and end up doing a pathetic song and dance trying to prove your worth. This is nothing compared to the sad show you'll put on if you're required to submit a "dossier" to an "agence". No one told me that these agences were a big deal, so it came as a shock when I got flat out denied . In fact, I'd say it stings as hot rash in the sun that just got bit by a jellyfish-scorpion hybrid (jelscorpionyfish). Suddenly you're thrust into apartment purgatory, and your possessions are forced to suffocate in garbage bags until you find a sketchy hole in the wall that accepts that you get paid like a 12th century serf, or You can try and shack up with your significant other which is how most couples in Paris take it to the next level. The truth is most couples in the city can't stand each other, but the thought of having to find a new apartment is so awful that they stay together, and pretend to be happy when they attend the dreaded couples dinner.