FRIDAY ZINGERS

I just bit into the worst apple of my career. Granular, pesticidal, soft. Awful, awful, awful.

But then this three-legged wonder showed up, and poof, apple disappointment gone.

RACIALARIOUS

It read like a classic Yellow journalism headline, but it was about bugs, so I tuned out, and went back to practicing my fake English accent.

LIDELL LIVES UP TO MY PERSONAL HYPE

I've seen Jamie Lidell twice in concert. The first time was at the Harbourfront Music Fest. His whole system crapped out midway through the set, but that didn't stop the rock, oh no, Lidell brushed it off with the nonchalance of 1950s cool guy. A few months later I saw him put on an excellent show at Lee's Palace (which will now be referred to as Lee's Paradise). In both cases I was taken aback by his charisma, and pyjamas.
I was certain that Lidell wouldn't disappoint in person. I was right. You know someone's on point if they can do bang on impersonations of every single Doobie brother, Phil Colins, and Lionel Richie. Damn. He's easy on the eyes too. I'll have my interview done today, but it'll be in French. I'll try and post the Anglo version.

WHO'S WITH ME ON THIS?

Wouldn't it to be great to wake up everyday with this kind of energy? I'm about 80% sure he's a human. But a case could be made for geriatric cyborg, or haggard, yet curiously happy, Hulk. Either way I'm convinced. I hope this man makes energy drinks because I want to live off them. I would also like to spend an entire day smashing things, and complaining about modern day foibles like "people don't wear hats like they used to" and "the pictures"

FASHION WEEK

Last week in Paris, and it's fashion week! The plan is to see how many glasses of champagne I can score because that's what it's all about. That and shit talk, lots and lots of shit talk.

NOT SO TERRIBLE

I was quick to judge this funny movie posters blog mostly because it didn't live up to its name. Fresh Prince of Persia? Really? Come on. But sometimes the shitball blogs drag me in (as well as those terrible "funny picture" sites that seem to recycle the same tired Russian cops wasted pics like they're some sort of ancient currency), and I can't help but check out their wares. Anyway I was pleasantly surprised to discover this gem:
What an excellent premise for a film. Is there anything better than imagining curious bears roaming around a submarine? Sure they're ferocious, and would run amok killing all those aboard, but there's something Biblical about it. A bloodier, less impossible version of Noah's Ark. Ok maybe not, but a version of this should be made with bear suits. Gorillas on a submarine could also work.

YESTERDAY: RAD. TODAY: WRECKED

I'm really happy my expression turned out exactly the way I wanted.

MUSIC VIDEO PITCH

Artist: Sébastien Tellier
Song: Roche
Setting: Rainy Parisian street / Biarritz en été
So this is one is based on the classic John Carpenter film They Live if you haven't seen it the premise is pretty simple. The main character finds a pair of sunglasses that allows him to see the aliens that have enslaved the world. Got that? Good.
So, same sort of thing, except this time, Sebastien finds a pair of sunglasses while walking down a street in Paris. Every time he puts on the sunglasses he's on a fuck beach in Biarritz. The kind of beach where experimental 30-40-50 year olds go to rekindle the romance. At first Tellier freaks - is he losing it? hell no! So after the initial "what the fuck" he gets into it, and starts wandering around this imaginary beach where women keep throwing themselves at him / cuts to the reality of the Parisian street.
Please refer your questions to the comments section. Thank you.

HOW IT'S MADE

So we start with this:

I thought you might appreciate these live action Don'ts from the Raw Spirit Festival in Arizona. If you're unfamiliar with this annual hippie gathering, seriously, where have you been? It's only the "World's Biggest Meeting Place for Raw Veganism and Eco-Sustainable Solutions!" Enjoy!
TOM

And then I propose this:

You guys love ripping into people for what they wear, and it saddens me. Why can't you open your spirit up a little? Anyway, I wanted to let your readers know about the Raw Spirit Festival. People from around the world come together to celebrate Gaia, and living a sustainable life.
Good vibes and love,
TOM

It became:

Here are some live action Don'ts from the Raw Spirit Festival in Arizona. It's the world's biggest celebration of raw veganism, world music and eco-peace.
Groovy,
TOM

PAIN AU CHOCOLAME

Hollywood mythmakers, French bakers, and Proustian childhood memories have lead people to believe that France is a bastion of hope when it comes to baked good. I won't disagree, but I would like to warn others about the reality of the situation. On my walk to work I pass at least 6 bakeries. Although I haven't been to every single one I'm pretty sure that 75% of them make some weak ass Pain au Chocolat's, or chocolate croissants (pronounced kre-sants) for all y'all erudite readers. How do you know if you've been had? As soon as you bite into the pain you note the dryness, lack of crunch, and overly salty dough. Also note: appearances deceive when it comes to pain au chocolats. Just because it looks small doesn't mean it won't pack that buttery punch you've been searching for. Oh and if it looks a little squashed, odds are you've hit a goldmine, or a butter mine (!)

This video pretty much sums up a everything I just said except it glosses over a few things including: most women running bakeries are fat, old, and rarely smile. There is also very little singing in France, but leisure suits remain the norm.

GRATUITOUS

I need a job.

MUSIC VIDEO PITCH

This one needs to get made.
Song: Shattered
Artist: The Rolling Stones
Setting: Doctor's office
Mick rolls in, distraught. He's worried he's caught something cos he's a fuck machine. His doctor (Keith Richards - smoke in mouth, aloof) listens to Mick 'splainin' his love troubles, and takes notes. That's it.

WORK IN PROGRESS

I had a late night at the office a few nights ago - actually this whole week, but whatever these things happen. By 9pm I'd had enough. And I came up with a story that I want to turn into a major motion picture / youtube video.
Pitch:
(setting: dreary office cubicle - classic!)
Cody and Neil have been cubicle-mates for years. They might know each other, but these two aren't friends. Instead of railing against the institution that has enslaved them and stolen their manhood, Cody and Neil have chosen to channel their rage toward each other.
Today's confrontation: Glass of Oil
Neil: What the fuck Cody?
Cody: Neil I refuse to be spoken to like that. This is supposed to be a professional environment. Just wait til I tell Mr. Wickersham
Neil: Wickersham is a dick. Wait. What the fuck is that?
Cody: What?
Neil: In your mug. Is that oil?
Cody:[sheepishly] Yeah Neil [nervous laugh] I drink glasses of oil because it tastes good, and reminds me of my grandmother. That makes sense.
Neil: Holy shit. You officially became the quiet neighbour. I mean I always knew you were a weird guy, what with the hentai, chapped lips, clammy hands, but this? This takes the cake.
Cody: FINE. I drink oil. I. Drink. Oil.
Neil: Give me back my pen.

METHYLPHENIDATE

A few months ago I interviewed Prefuse 73 and he gave me a bunch of bizarro meds- real shit if you will. You know the kind of drugs that get served to you by a man in a lab coat, not by an overweight has-been who can't play guitar, or whatever. Today I sampled Daytrana. A patch for kids with ADHD.
So, have I become an overachiever? Wellllllllllll, I did manage to edit my interviews, perfect my intros, and do my usual busy work. It didn't however turn me into an Aryan ass-kiss as featured on the Daytrana website. It also made me irritable, and a liar. You see, I'm still not done all my work, and for some reason I felt compelled to write this. How on earth will children be saved with this godforsaken hip sticker? Back to the drawing board.
I will recommend Provigil because that one turned me into a cheery party machine.

It's official

The glamour is officially dead.
Note the red face-at work beer (way to concentrate), the dead eyes, the bad skin, shit lighting. I need to do something quick. Party? Yes, please.

MY HEAD HURTS

This:

Or this:

Paris wins sexy points, but NY has a certain dipshit swagger that I can't get enough of. Any thoughts?

Oh shit, we can't forget this option: